Up until about 8 months ago
I felt reasonably on top of what I would be close to describing
as a ‘bedtime routine’ cutting some slack for periods of sickness, travel or
the like which might upset things. I say ‘close to’ because if someone were to
ask me what our bedtime routine was I’d have to fumble through a few explanations that
would depend on the mood, work load and the emotional needs of the children and
parents at the time. Admittedly I have to fabricate patience for the emotional
needs of the family (even if they don’t reach the height of a chair rail) after
8pm in the evening - but I suppose if they don’t reach the height of a chair
rail they should probably be in bed by 8pm – Hmmm…moving on…Yes, in general
bedtime had been manageable with the 5 boys. To sum a typical evening - our eldest would take himself off to bed
with a book, that is after I’d gone through the habitual goodnights, ‘What are
you reading and are you enjoying it?’ ‘Have you done your teeth and are you
wearing your elastics?’ ‘Is your mobile phone downstairs?, at which point he blatantly extracts his mobile phone from under the pillow. ’Ok put it downstairs
please’ ‘Goodnight’. The 11 year old would dawdle along to bed already in his
dreamlike state but awake enough to not want to go to bed, brush his teeth or
organize anything for the following morning but we’ll excuse him that - he was 11 yrs old and sometimes trying to
fall asleep for him plays havoc as it interrupts his lofty imagination, or the
other way round, not sure. The twins would tumble and wrestle their way
upstairs as one being, eventually separate into two beings and fall asleep
before the end of a story. I’m afraid we’ve been lax with the 3 yr old and too
jaded to worry about his bedtime - it just happened somewhere, anywhere.
That was then, but this is
now….8 months later.
With two weeks to go until
the 12 year old’s piano exam and a text home from his teacher saying that if he
doesn’t put a lot of practice in between now and then it could be a struggle
for him– what better excuse not to go to bed than do your piano practice at
around 9pm at night. ‘After all, Mum you do want me to pass, right?’ What can I
say? ‘Practice earlier in the day?’ but too late for that when we just haven’t
been organized enough to get around to it. Currently twin 1 is going through a
phase of falling asleep in pitch black and in total silence away from twin 2
(they have now developed different bedtimes) – sound’s daft but it’s a bit of
time that they seem to have carved out in the day away from each other and it
suits them – one sleeps and one winds down with some lego building or sports
watching. So piano playing is upsetting twin 1 whose hearing the chromatic scales
thumping through the floorboards (and played with such love- not!) The 4 year old now goes to sleep in a bed,
our bed mind you but no longer on the sofa. He also demands 2 stories, a chat, a
leg rub, arm rub and possibly a back rub. Being of the positive frame of mind I
think it’s all a step closer to him graduating to his own bed very soon. Summer
exam fever is approaching for the 14 yr old so out comes the clarinet late at
night for his practical music exam. It’s all feeling quite surreal around
bedtime. Somehow it eventually falls into place and the house is silent, we
sleep and get up but as for a routine, what was that?
There seem to be an
increasing number of articles and books about unplugging and detoxing from our
digital devices and a list of new phrases and terms surrounding the conundrum –
We are tethered? Addicted? Obsessed? On permanent phone IV? One term that comes
to mind is ‘continual partial attention’ meaning that due to our electrical
devices we’re partly tuned into everything but never completely tuned into
anything. I had to smile when I read this as it struck a familiar chord with
me. This term sums up how I often feel about parenting the age spread of boys.
I’ve convinced myself that it’s not a bad thing - it’s just the way it is and
instead of fighting the syndrome I’ll embrace it. Now I can give this
feeling a label….the trending way to excuse ourselves out of behavior that may not fit the norm – give it a
title and explanation. 'Continual partial attention' runs something like this in
our house - engaged conversations are broken
into sound bites whereby fragments of sentences fly in every direction. – there is
no linear order to the sound bites or sentences. If you’re not used to them
they can sound pretty dysfunctional. - Everyone avoids social etiquette and
hangs on for dear life to their own train of thought. You just ‘get your word
in’ regardless of patience and manners. It’s like catching curve balls coming at you in
every direction. I tend to delve into my
'continual partial attention' condition in a big way on Saturday mornings and
always hear the same little voice in my head asking – “Who on earth is calling
the shots here, everything feels like it’s up for discussion?’
Last Saturday morning’s sound
bite session went something like this -
Me - (during a staggered breakfast sitting) I’m going to IKEA to buy the
Billy shelves, I’m tired talking about them and I have a window of opportunity.
Husband – Careful of Saturday
crowds, it could be a nightmare.
Me – It’s early, gonna get
going in 15 minutes, think I can be back in 3 hours.
14yr old - YOU CAN’T GO, I’m
going to the cinema
Me – What?
14 yr old – I told you
yesterday and you said it what fine.
Me - WHAT, I did not, you didn’t’ tell me (‘fight or flight’ stress kicking in)
14yr old – OMG, you never
keep promises, you said it was fine, I’ve to be there at 2.
Me – WHAT, have you booked
and paid? I can’t believe it!
4yr old – I want to play Xbox
14 yrs old - YES and ____‘s coming also.
Me – WHAT, ____ please turn
on the Xbox, who paid for the tickets? (glowering
at husband, blame game kicking in?)
Husband – It’s fine, we’ll
get them there (good cop!)
Me – (to husband and 2 of the kids) Well, you need to study this
morning. Please turn on the Xbox, ____ stop kicking your brother.(resignation and exasperation kicking in)
12 yr old – I want to go too.
8 yr old is continuously hitting tennis ball against
kitchen counters
Me – (to
husband) I dunno, what do you think? (to
8yr old) PLEASE stop playing tennis in the kitchen. (back to husband) Him on the Luas, he hasn’t been on it before.
He’s only 12. (rhetorical question - deep
down I know he’s gonna win this battle as I’ve shown signs of rushing, CPA
syndrome AND I am in the minority)
Husband – Anything else we
need in IKEA?
4yr old – I WANT TO WATCH THE
XBOX.
Me - (still
trying to compute logistics of cinema trip, tennis and IKEA) But YOU have
tennis as well, ____ needs to be in Sutton for his tournament, I’m going to
Ikea, PLEASE TURN ON the Xbox I can’t hear myself think and STOP playing tennis
in the kitchen.
Etcetera…...
Fast forward to me pulling
out of our drive. Phone rings. I answer. ‘Mum are you sure you’ll be back in
time to get me to the cinema? And I’m hungry, what can I eat?’
‘Open the cupboards dear,
open the cupboards’ I say as I breathe deeply and take a break from 'continual
partial attention'.
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